Momisms and The Manual

When we elected to be moms (and dads), someone forgot to hand us a manual on how to do it the right way, so as not to lose our minds. Self-help books are just suggestions. What we need is a bible-like Manual. Hard and fast rules to live by in order to remain sane.

Additionally, there are tasks that we assume as parents that, had we known the exact amount of hours we would be doing the things that require our time and energy, the Manual would have indicated as such and we would have been able to understand the commitment. The Catholic Church requires couples to attend Pre-Cana classes so they know what to expect when making a life-long commitment. Why not have the same thing for couples who decide to have children? You can divorce your husband, but your children will be yours forever.

The Manual should be written in a helpful tone and offer suggestions in addition to coping mechanisms, though it should point out clearly what we can expect. For example, one such entry might be as follows:

“Be prepared to spend countless hours in a car, shuffling your child from one activity to another. Once you drop him off to say, baseball practice, be prepared to head your vehicle toward home to retrieve equipment that said child forgot to pack. It is important to like your vehicle, as you will be good friends.”

Another example might be:

“Do not become disheartened when you spend an inordinate amount of time slaving away at the stove after carefully planning your recipes, only to have no one like it, call it ‘gross,’ and ask for Kraft Mac & Cheese.”

And yet another:

“Don’t mind the pain you feel in your back as you pick up countless pieces of dirty underwear and clothing off the floor; there are exercises to prevent such backache.”

Perhaps even:

“When you roll over a kickball in your garage and pop it—one you just bought—because the children did not put it away, try to not have a heart attack because you think you’ve just been shot.”

Or:

“At some point, just give up. Your child will ask you 10 times a day (at least) about getting a hamster, so, to keep your sanity, give in and just buy the damn thing.”

It’s time, ladies and gentleman, to write The Official Manual.

Anita Renfroe’s version of “William Tell Momisms” is so funny, I thought I’d post it for all moms out there. Enjoy.

P.S. I love my children dearly and this is all in good fun.

P.S.S. I just want them to pick up their underwear.